Decameron in the Brussels Sweetshop

Forget all this stuff about the world economy. It's time to focus attention on the REALLY important issue of the day. This may be a rather strange sort of story, but surely you've heard that truth is stranger than fiction?

Where am I?

      In the days when he was an innocent young political researcher, Decameron's greatest wish was to become something called 'The Prime Minister'. This seemed very unlikely, because he'd been to a party where a mad witch called The Iron Lady had previously been a guest and had been so outrageous in her behaviour that all sensible people shook their heads and said 'never again'.

      However, thanks to the fact that what was called 'the electorate' tried to vote against all the candidates in the election game, and the anxiety of a poor dupe called Nick Click to have his photograph taken outside Number Ten, Downing Street (thought by some to be an important building), Decameron was able to pretend he was the people's choice as Prime Minister. Urged on by some of the supporters in his party who told him he could do whatever they wanted him to, Decameron tried thereafter to act as if he'd actually won the election game.

      Sadly, being Prime Minister wasn't half as much fun as Decameron had expected. For one thing, he found himself sharing a house of common people. Some of these were exceedingly odd characters. There was, for example, James Unt (who didn't know his proper name) and Michael Gove-Puppet (who surely wasn't real). For another, he found himself playing some very strange party games, like 'turning the education clock back' and a reverse kind of Robin Hood adventure, in which the object was to rob the poor and give to the rich. His friend Boy George tried to help out by shouting to the peasants 'you're all in this together' but amazingly they didn't believe a word of it.

      Worst of all were a group of worrying people called 'The Euroloonies'. They had a long history of troublemaking, but when a group of oddities under their leader Nicky Farrage-GO (a farrago is a 'confused mix') shouted louder than everyone else, the Euroloonies panicked. These independent loonies, who were even more euroloony than the Euroloonies, caused a few minor ripples in the Tory Shires. The Euroloonies, who were in theory on Decameron's team, started to jump up and down excitedly and produce statistics to show there should be something called a referendum about not going to Brussels unless they could have all the sweets they wanted. These statistics revealed some important facts. For instance, if there were an immediate referendum, 25% of the electorate wouldn't want to go to Brussels unless they could have all the sweets they wanted, while only 24% didn't expect such extravagant things (51% didn't give a toss).

      Things got so bad that, in a moment of weakness, Decameron agreed to vote against his own Queens' Speech and make a law saying the next Government would be obliged to hold a referendum. When challenged that it would be unconstitutional for any Government to make a law which tried to tie the hands of the next, Decameron quite rightly said 'Why should I care? I never won the election anyway.'

      Still, all that had happened started to prey on Decameron's mind. Anxious to escape the incessant clamour of the Euroloonies, Decameron burst out of the house. When asked where he was going, Decameron replied that he was off to the Brussels Sweet Shop to sort everything out.

      When he reached the sweet shop, it wasn't as grandly stocked as Decameron had been expecting. Nevertheless, he marched up to the counter and started hitting it with a shoe (in the way he'd seen a politician doing this in some other strange organisation). Then he shouted:

      'I'm a special case. Give me your best sweets.'

      The shopkeeper was taken aback.

      'How much do you have?' he said. Decameron searched through his pockets.

      'Ten pence. That's nearly a Euro. I want some of those sticky blue ones and all of your nice chocolaty ones.'

      'I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'We're all going through some difficult times. Don't you know the world's going through an economic crisis?'

      Decameron had heard of this economic crisis, but thought that his friend Boy George had solved it by shouting at the peasants, 'you're all in this together'. Decameron's idea was that now important people like himself would be free to concentrate on pressing issues like whether they should go to Brussels for gay weddings.

      'But my friends (he really thought they were his friends) The Euroloonies said I could have anything I wanted if I shouted loud enough.'.

      Minutes later, Decameron found himself alone on the Brussels pavement. The sky was getting dark and the winds of the world economy started to feel very chilly.

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