of a kind
There are a couple of new (December 2006) ones here.
I acknowledge the help of Leyton Stevens, Russmo, Jack of East Cheam, Ray Salter, Peter Perkins, Tudor Davies, Jo Brooks, Tim Goldstone, Arthur Smith, Vaz and Wendy West for providing this material (code for send your solicitors to them, not me).
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A monk and a nun were crossing a bleak landscape together. The weather closed in, it grew foggy and dark, and night was falling. Fortunately, they came upon a battered trapper's hut and sought shelter. Inside there was only one bed, but there was a rough sleeping bag in one corner and a good pile of blankets in another. They said their prayers and settled down to sleep for the night, the wind howling outside. Naturally, the monk offered the nun the quite large bed and huddled in the corner in the shabby sleeping bag.
'I'm cold,' said the nun after about a quarter-of-an-hour.
The monk sighed, rose from the sleeping bag, walked over to the other corner, retrieved a blanket, laid it carefully on the nun's bed, and climbed back into his thin sleeping bag.
'I'm cold,' said the nun again after another quarter-of-an-hour.
The monk sighed, rose from the sleeping bag, walked over to the other corner, retrieved a blanket, laid it carefully on the nun's bed, and climbed back into his thin sleeping bag.
'I'm cold,' said the nun again after another quarter-of-an-hour.
'Look, why don't we pretend that we're married?' said the monk.
'Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't,' said the nun.
'Good. Right. Get your own bloody blanket,' said the monk.
With acknowledgements to Leyton Stevens.
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Test for Senility
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer this quickly BEFORE you click HERE for the answer.
With acknowledgements to Wendy West.
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Softwear Problems
"18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. "
With acknowledgements to Jo Brooks
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With acknowledgements to Russmo.
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These were sent to me in December, 2006 by my friend Jack,who really should have better things to do with his time:
Two nuns were driving along the road when suddenly a vampire lands of the bonnet of their car.
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Jack also forwarded these to me.
Ray Salter is to blame for me breaking my promise not to mention Dubya:
A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours, crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last. ********** P O O F **********
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of Marks & Spencer delicacies. ********** P O O F **********
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life (assuming only one attempted kidnapping per decade). ********** P O O F **********
He is turned into a tampon.
And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached!
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And this is the presidential joke (or accurate documentary recording; I haven't been able to decide):
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: *
Fluency Test
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. This is this cat When you are satisfied that you've got it EXACTLY right click HERE.
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Sometimes a brief, explanatory note may be necessary at the beginning of your story, either from you or your doctor.
With thanks to Tim Goldstone.
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Two Welshmen were in rural Western China at a railway station.
They had spent most of their money, but had worked out that they had just enough money for two rail tickets home. This would only hold good if they booked a ticket from that station directly home. The trouble was, neither of them could speak a word of Chinese.
'What if the booking clerk can't speak English?' said the first.
'What else can we do?' said the second.
After arguing for some minutes, they decided to join the queue for tickets. It was a long queue, and they had to wait for over an hour behind people with birdcages, pigs, and goodness knows what else.
At last they were at the front of the queue. Despairingly, one of them said to the incrutable booking clerk:
'Two special tickets to Cwmtwrch, please.'
'Upper or Lower?' asked the booking clerk.
With thanks to Arthur Smith
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Answer to the test for senility
Be honest. Did you say Nunu? No of course it's not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.
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Fluency test.
Go back and read just the THIRD WORD from each line again.
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Your characters need more development.
These two are with acknowledgements to Vaz.
"Oh - quickly sister," says the first. "Show him your cross!"
The second winds down her window and leans out. She shouts, "Oi! YOU! Fuck Off!"
"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks...
'How many is a Brazillion ??!'
It's by no means as easy as it looks.
Try for fluency and rhythm as well as accuracy.
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
