Jokes
of a kind

New (December 2013) jokes come from Jim Bartlett, Jack of East Cheam and Sally Richards.

Psssstt!! Don't mention Dubya. I know he's a good joke but the CIA might be listening.

I acknowledge the help of Jim Bartlett, Jo Brooks, Tudor Davies, Jack of East Cheam, , Tim Goldstone, Sally Richards, Russmo, Arthur Smith, Leyton Stevens, Vaz and Wendy West for providing this material (code for send your solicitors to them, not me).

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Test for Senility

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer this quickly BEFORE you click HERE for the answer.

With acknowledgements to Wendy West.


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Your characters need more development.

These are with acknowledgements to Vaz.


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A monk and a nun were crossing a bleak landscape together. The weather closed in, it grew foggy and dark, and night was falling. Fortunately, they came upon a battered trapper's hut and sought shelter. Inside there was only one bed, but there was a rough sleeping bag in one corner and a good pile of blankets in another. They said their prayers and settled down to sleep for the night, the wind howling outside. Naturally, the monk offered the nun the quite large bed and huddled in the corner in the shabby sleeping bag.

'I'm cold,' said the nun after about a quarter-of-an-hour.

The monk sighed, rose from the sleeping bag, walked over to the other corner, retrieved a blanket, laid it carefully on the nun's bed, and climbed back into his thin sleeping bag.

'I'm cold,' said the nun again after another quarter-of-an-hour.

The monk sighed, rose from the sleeping bag, walked over to the other corner, retrieved a blanket, laid it carefully on the nun's bed, and climbed back into his thin sleeping bag.

'I'm cold,' said the nun again after another quarter-of-an-hour.

'Look, why don't we pretend that we're married?' said the monk.

'Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't,' said the nun.

'Good. Right. Get your own bloody blanket,' said the monk.

With acknowledgements to Leyton Stevens.


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Two Welshmen were in rural Western China at a railway station.

They had spent most of their money, but had worked out that they had just enough money for two rail tickets home. This would only hold good if they booked a ticket from that station directly home. The trouble was, neither of them could speak a word of Chinese.

'What if the booking clerk can't speak English?' said the first.

'What else can we do?' said the second.

After arguing for some minutes, they decided to join the queue for tickets. It was a long queue, and they had to wait for over an hour behind people with birdcages, pigs, and goodness knows what else.

At last they were at the front of the queue. Despairingly, one of them said to the incrutable booking clerk:

'Two special tickets to Cwmtwrch, please.'

'Upper or Lower?' asked the booking clerk.

With thanks to Arthur Smith


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With acknowledgements to Russmo.


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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of Parliament. They're asking for a hundred million pounds in ransom money. They say if they don't get it, they're going to dowse them in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Roughly a gallon."

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No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting

With acknowledgements to Sally Richards.


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Sometimes a brief, explanatory note may be necessary at the beginning of your story, either from you or your doctor.

With thanks to Tim Goldstone.


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David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence. It starts 'I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms...'

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While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...

Today you voted.'

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Two nuns were driving along the road when suddenly a vampire lands of the bonnet of their car.
"Oh - quickly sister," says the first. "Show him your cross!"
The second winds down her window and leans out. She shouts, "Oi! YOU! Fuck Off!"

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With acknowledgements to Jack of East Cheam


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Fluency Test

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
It's by no means as easy as it looks.
Try for fluency and rhythm as well as accuracy.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

When you are satisfied that you've got it EXACTLY right click HERE.


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Softwear Problems

"18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. "

With acknowledgements to Jo Brooks


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Stanner's latest addition to their range of stair lifts is the Stanner Express, a lift so fast that they guarantee it will get you to the top of the stairs before you have forgotten why you wanted to go there.

With acknowledgements to Jim Bartlett.


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Answer to the test for senility

Be honest. Did you say Nunu? No of course it's not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.


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Fluency test.

Go back and read just the THIRD WORD from each line again.


Which one's mine?


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